Owning a German Shepherd is like living with a furry roommate who thinks they’re the head of security, the family therapist, and your personal fitness trainer all at once. If they had thumbs and a phone, your notifications would never stop buzzing. Here’s what those texts might look like today.

1. “Why is the mailman still alive?”

Every day, your German Shepherd risks it all by barking at the mailman. Yet somehow, that same human comes back again and again. In your dog’s mind, this is a serious breach of security. A text would likely read: “Handled the intruder again. You’re welcome. Still no medal?”

2. “The squirrel got away… again.”

Your Shepherd takes squirrel chasing as a full time job. They would let you know about today’s failed mission, probably adding: “Don’t worry, I’ll file a full report later. Suspect is fast, possibly armed with acorns.”

3. “You moved three feet without me. Everything okay?”

Loyalty is their love language. If you so much as walk from the kitchen to the couch, you’d get a text: “Saw you disappear into the other room. Should I bring backup? Do you need emotional support or just snacks?”

4. “Dinner should’ve been 20 minutes ago.”

German Shepherds know the feeding schedule down to the second. If you’re late, you’d receive a polite but firm reminder: “My bowl is empty. This is a crime against humanity. Correct immediately.”

5. “Don’t worry, I scared the vacuum.”

Nothing says bravery like facing down the loud hose wielding monster that eats crumbs. They’d proudly send: “It retreated. Territory is safe. I may need therapy.”

6. “I sniffed the neighbor’s dog. He seems shady.”

Your Shepherd keeps tabs on everyone. If another dog walks by, you’d get an intelligence update: “Tall poodle, strong perfume, suspicious tail wag. Recommend increased surveillance.”

7. “Bed secured. You can sleep on the edge.”

At night, your Shepherd takes over 80 percent of the mattress. The final text of the day would be: “I’ve secured the central zone of the bed. You’re cleared for the far corner. Sweet dreams.”

Living with a German Shepherd means constant updates, whether in barks, head tilts, or hypothetical texts. They’re protective, goofy, and endlessly devoted. If they could actually text you, your phone battery wouldn’t stand a chance.