Golden Retrievers have mastered the art of soulful stares and tail wags, but imagine if they could whip out a phone and text you. The combination of their boundless enthusiasm and questionable self control would make your notifications look like a comedy script. Here’s what you’d probably see lighting up your screen today.

1. “Hi. Hi again. Still me. Hi.”

A Golden would absolutely abuse the send button. You’d wake up to 42 “Hi” texts before you even rolled out of bed. No context, no follow up, just pure excitement that you exist.

2. “So… I licked the couch. Do we still love me?”

Confessions would roll in constantly. From sneaking food to taste testing questionable objects, your dog would overshare like a guilty toddler trying to lawyer his way out of trouble.

3. “Ball? Ball. BALL. BALL. BALLLLLLL!!!”

This one would arrive in all caps at random times of the day. Whether you’re on a Zoom call or in the bathroom, your Golden would consider it the perfect moment to demand a game of fetch.

4. “Met a squirrel. We’re basically dating now.”

Every outdoor encounter would become breaking news. Your phone would be cluttered with live updates about squirrels, passing joggers, and that one leaf blowing across the yard that looked “suspicious.”

5. “I tried to wait for you, but the sandwich looked lonely.”

Food theft confessions would be frequent. Do not expect remorse. Expect explanations that sound almost reasonable, like the sandwich “needed a friend.”

6. “Thinking about you. Also cheese.”

Your Golden would not know how to separate affection from appetite. One text about how much they miss you would be immediately followed by one about dairy products.

7. “Come home now please. I warmed your side of the bed with my entire body.”

Every day would end with clingy, slightly manipulative reminders that your Golden is the real owner of the bed, and you’re just renting space.

If Golden Retrievers could text, your phone would never stop buzzing. Between declarations of love, snack related emergencies, and squirrel gossip, you’d never feel lonely again. And honestly? You wouldn’t want to.