Staffies have a face that says a thousand words, but if they could send texts, your phone bill would skyrocket. Their mix of stubborn charm, bottomless affection, and clown-like antics would fill your inbox in record time. Here’s what you’d probably wake up to today.

1. “Good morning, I licked your pillow. You’re welcome.”

Staffies don’t believe in personal space. The night ends with you drooling on the pillow, and the morning begins with them drooling on it too. Sharing is caring, right?

2. “Is the vacuum plotting against us or am I the only one paying attention?”

Every buzz of the vacuum is a full blown crisis in their eyes. If Staffies could text, they’d send live alerts with the urgency of a breaking news channel.

3. “Can we talk about breakfast? Or second breakfast? Or brunch?”

A Staffordshire Bull Terrier’s stomach has no concept of time zones. Food is always due. Their texts would arrive in waves of hunger notifications, complete with the sad eye emoji.

4. “I definitely didn’t dig in the yard… but if I did, it’s modern landscaping.”

The dirt on their paws tells a different story, but they’d try their best to rebrand their excavation project as art. Expect a photo of a Staffie nose sprinkled with soil as “proof of innocence.”

5. “You left me for 7 minutes. I have filed a complaint.”

Staffies are professional dramatists. A quick run to the mailbox counts as abandonment. They’d flood your phone with “WHERE R U” messages like a clingy friend who’s had too much coffee.

6. “Found a squeaky toy. It will now squeak until the end of time.”

That rubber chicken or stuffed pig? It’s not a toy, it’s a symphony. You’d get texts like SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK until your battery gives up before they do.

7. “I love you. Also, your sandwich. Mostly your sandwich.”

Underneath the chaos, the real message is always love. Still, if your lunch is unattended, it becomes a joint custody arrangement, and they didn’t consult you first.

Staffordshire Bull Terriers may not have thumbs to type, but if they did, you’d never get a moment’s peace. Luckily, their goofy expressions and bottomless affection already say everything you need to hear.